it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
