so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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