Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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