I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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