when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
