I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Also, beer. Big fan.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
