Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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