I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
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