i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
