i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
