just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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