Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So drunk its hurt
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize