life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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