I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
