can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
