I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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