we have officially lost it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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