I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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