For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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