I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize