I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
