my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
