i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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