everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize