Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
