trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize