you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
