____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
