You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
