i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
