today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
