The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
