i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
