how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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