Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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