Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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