I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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