I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
