The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
