I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
