I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
