i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
