Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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