the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
