French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
