You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
