My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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