My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My liver just had a heart attack.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
