i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
