And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
