Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
