then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
