i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
