I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
