I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
