I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
