It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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