i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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