so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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