I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
