I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
