on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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