so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
