How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
