I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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