I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
