I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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