After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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