The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
we have pet lesbian snakes
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
