Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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