she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
