I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
